Post 6 "Your heart and my heart are very old friends" ~unknown

 

FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE ORDER RIGHT ON MULTIPLE CONVERSATIONS GOING ON AT THE SAME TIME

Missing more emails

K 2:01am Hey

D 2:01am yeahhhh!

K 2:02am
If you loose me it's temporary, stay on, or check back in, I'll be up for a while

D 2:02am
ditto, of course tonight my internet is shaky

K 2:02am ditto

Dan 2:03am
i'm going to go first ok?

K 2:03am
and my kids are still up in a basement with SO sleeping expecting us to get to bed.

k

D is offline. 2:04am D is online. 2:04am

D 2:05am
I want to be wise, and accepting of all this but... I too am denying some feelings. You read that. Not sure what I said that made you think you are getting dumped. AS I said before, the more I try to answer, the more questions I have , I haven't analyzed as much as I thought

K 2:06am
I wouldn't have jumped into anything if I wasn't leaving in a week I got that from your email you don't want to meet

D 2:07am
i don't know what you mean? is my timing unreal (to pop back in your life)

K 2:07am yep unreal

D 2:09am
I want to meet. It scares the shit out me in some ways. Am I going to be able to keep my shit together? Will it be too much, what if she thinks I'm ugly:)

K 2:10am
look, I read a book a year ago about a couple who missed the boat but remained friends through all of each others ups and downs, in the end the friendship was there long after the relationships ended

You r insane, I've been on your page and I have seen photos

D 2:11
first post: you fucking blow my mind with your sensibility... I think we can do this 

second post: I feel like a worn piece of meat some days...be kind

K 2:12am
Hey, you have to remember I am 18 years older too

D is offline. 2:15am

K 2:15am

D is no longer online. The following was not sent:
I may have to go for a few minutes, stay close to your computer if you can

D 2:27am
(*&^%$ laptop lost connection, dead battery what next. I'm hanging around or a while no worries and don't rush, especially if you are tending to kids

K 2:27am
hey, I have to get them in bed computer is still on but logging off, I'll be back

WHAT IS MISSING HERE??????

K 2:53am
Far right under options there is a remove button that'll pop up if you scroll over it

D 2:57
ok. everything under control? what time you need to be up tomorrow?

K 2:58am
Early, but I had 3 coffee/bailys, no sleep 4 me 4 a while

Adrien usually takes a while to get to sleep, Keira is still awake but in bed

D 5:59
I had guys I work with over (unusual for me) couple of drinks... I think i fell asleep on the couch before they were at end of driveway...and then I woke up...there is something i'm supposed to be doing

K 3:00am
you were subconsciously thinking of me :)

Dan 3:01am
not subconsciously

K 3:01 :) again

D 3:02 am where were we?

K 3:02am
I'm a little lost....oh yeah we need to be kind to each other it's been 18 years

if I go offline I am still here, just limited privacy in an open basement

D 3:03am
yeah and I was complimenting you on how sensible you are. What do you want to do wednesday?

K 3:04am
what does it look like for u time wise?

K 3:05am
re sensible...lmfao, no one has EVER called me that before

D 3:05am
I have no idea. during the day is ideal for me and impossible for you. Evening is nearly impossible for me...so many commitments with kids.

K 3:06am :(

D 3:07am
i really want to see you. I didn't ask because of all the emotion i was feeling from you and thought it could be too much, it still might be (speaking for me)

K 3:08am
You mean I would have had to wait forever if i hadn't asked?

D 3:09am
isn't that exactly how we got here. i will never learn

K 3:10am
:)
it's emotional no question but at this point I think it far worse not to see each other at least once (maybe one last time) for me especially since I held so much anger for so long

Glad I made the move, and not for the first time with you

D 3:11am
Glad too, hold off for a sec, try write something

K 3:11am
The last time I would have seen you I would be amazed if you didn't feel my anger

Oops sorry

D 3:12am
no prob. i am slowwwww, not a chatter, or typer ,and i'm in the dark here i go

D 3:17am
this is becoming or I am realizing, something different to me then you, I shut it off, i didn't feel. every word you write I hear your voice, I see you talk ,your gestures, the way you tilted your head and looked up. It's all there in the box I put it in, in my head. I am struggling with this more and more and I don’t want it to stop...but I have to find some peace....I am upset and disturbed and I....don't fucking know what to do with it?

K 3:19am
Holy hell, I could have written EXACTLY what you said. That is what lay buried in me and came out after xmas night

K 3:20am
What were you hoping would come of the original email?

Dan 3:20am thinking...

K 3:21am
I'm freezing, this basement is sooo fucking cold

D 3:24am
I don't know I still maintain I don't want to break up families and you realize that potential exists. The original....where the fuck are you, where have you been, are you ok. it was selfish it was for me. like I said, I thought you were too good for me, glad i wasn't a blip and surprised i was significant....but again i don't want to fuck shit up.

K 3:26am
I know, I understand, I grappled with it. Thank god I picked up a cheap paperback a while back and saw how a lover could be a friend and really stay important if approached properly. Fate? Not usually my kind of book.

D 3:37
the title please, is it a manual?

K 3:28
I would not do ANYTHING that could potentially harm your family, or mine. That being said I realize this alone could do it but if we both know the risks and both take it seriously than I think it is safe

"The Company she Keeps", ok book, a lot more to it but that's what I got out of it

D 3:30am
ok... ummm i think your past where i am right now... your feeling reluctance from me. to me, I really need to settle down. I ....already said this...can I hold it in when i see you

D 3:31 am back on in bit

K 3:31am hold it in?

K 3:38am
Hey, quit deleting what you are writing and starting over, I want this to be real

D 3:38am
yeah, hold it in. Is the reality of this connection going to be undeniable if we see each other (when). Would we do something we both know we shouldn't do?
Am I way offside? Is my head not in the same place as yours on this?

K 3:39am
wow, you are so freakin in touch with me right now it's nearly painful

D 3:40am
that's what i'm saying. we aren’t teenagers, we aren't going to fall in love on a chat thingy...so WTF is going on?

K 3:41am
closure at what cost?

Dan 3:43am
lost for words. please answer that

K 3:43am
did we ever fall in love? Did we ever fall out of it, if we never fell out how could we fall in again, if we never fell in then what are the chances now, maybe all we are finding is a connection that transcends the physical

K 3:45am
I didn't expect ANY of this when I saw you had contacted me, I was just surprised, now I am blown down by what I have uncovered within myself, let alone that you are feeling the same thing

D 3:46
Your on to something...I recall your beauty (god, do I), your pictures confirm it but when you said it has been 18 yrs.... I wasn't even there

K 3:47
18 years yes but f n hell nothing seems to have changed

D 3:48am
Well... I never thought you were dumb but you seem to be pretty fucking sharp now. I'm going round and round and round.

K 3:49am
interesting how it is the images that returns to your mind (mine too) but it is this dialogue over the past few days that has ignited a connection
I see that you are going round and round and round because I can see you keep deleting what you are writing

K 3:51am
Weren't even there? I'll be damned you weren't, you were just squashed down deep inside of me buried by a whole lot of resentment

D 3:51am
yeah... i thought it would pass. DELETE...WHAT... HOW THE...slow down woman.

K 3:52am
By the name on the bottom of the chat, I can see when your writing and when you stop and start over
missed something, thought what would pass?

D 3:55am
the whole rush when you replied back and going back and forth. i've been telling myself "today it'll go away" and it doesn't and it's this pattern of denial that i'm so skilled at (survival?)

K 3:56am

I don't want it to go away, I want to lear to coexist with it. This feels good, finally. (lear is learn)

K 3:58am
I know you were telling yourself that you have tried to write it a few times, and once it pissed me off and I called you on it, the other time I chose to ignore it

Dan 3:58am
ummm something happened. history is gone and i missed post before lear is learn

K 3:59am
I don't think I have EVER spoken so honestly to a man before...it feels good
you wrote about wanting the feeling to go away I answered with
I don't want it to go away, I want to learn to coexist with it. This feels good, finally.

D 4:00am
Nor i too a woman...yeah and again a big part of my torment (strong word but....fits)

K 4:01am
did you get the part about me knowing you wanted it to go away?

D 4:01am
OK enough our hearts are laying on the table. where are we wednesday, 2 weeks from now, 6 months, 2 years...

K 4:02am
I have changed in the last few days, it really quite startling, this'll sound strange but this is really a huge exercise in growth, way better then therapy

K 4:03am
Wednesday is up to you, 2 weeks from now I'm in law school, 6 month and 2 years the same, the distant future? A promise? But I may save that for in person

D 4:05am
you can tell i'm thinking give me a sec

K 4:05am
I know, I've caught the rhythm

D 4:05am 

your killing me

K 4:05am 

WHAT?

D 4:06am
the whole connection thing...you get it, i am going to lose my thought ( i am not stupid)

D 4:12am
ok wednesday, i really hope fate doesn't do to us what it has already. any night is hard for me but obviously you know i'll do anything besides get us in a pile of shit to see you. please don't be as beautiful as i remember, don't finish my sentences... don't look at me like i blew one of the greatest things that could have ever happened ...i could go on and on and on you know. i want to get to that point where we enjoy and benefit from this and not hurt people. but i am a man, not wired to deal with this shit constructively or timely... i just hope we get there

D 4:13am
i'm freaking brutal on here

K 4:15am
I think the only way to get there is to see each other, then start over

Ok my brutal honesty... 4:16am
Dean
am i waiting for more?

K 4:17am
in the last few days you have said things to me that I have ever only dreamed of being said to me by anyone, let alone you, not even by my SO without prompting and not even in the same way you have said it. This is hard for so many reasons but I am growing from it...

..................................................................................................................................... dammit 30 min of missing text .....................................................................................................................................

D 4:50am
i remember what you looked like at the concert. i remember the look on your face, at the time i thought you were saying goodbye, now i believe the look was here i am ...last chance

K 4:50am
I think you got it now

D 4:51am
slow, very slow, not stupid

D 4:52am
I also remember you were dressed to kill, hey what about the pink rhino, you sure about that one?

K 4:53am
yep, i remember it clearly
I was scared as shit to see you

D 4:45am
ummm fill in the blanks please. did i see you?

K 4:55am
yeah, i met sean and mom there, sean warned me you would be there. I think i just acknowledged you then avoided you

i may have to go if Adrien wakes to nurse but i will come back

D 4:57am
how will you cope tomorrow? don't you have a million things to do?

K 4:58am
I do but I run on empty often,

D 4:58am mother's mantra

K 4:58am
kendra's mantra, pre kids and long into the future so wednesday, looks like it's my only window

D 4:59am
this is inconsiderate of me. i crashed on the couch for 2 hours and i work nights tomorrow. i am sacrificing very littler to do this right now
Wednesday...
You had ideas... i missed them\

K 5:01am
I don't feel i am sacrificing anything now you need to tell me a time first

Dan 5:02am
to be clear ...during the day is impossible? any day?

K 5:02am
yep
last week would have worked but not this, last week was SO's last

D 5:03am
when are you leaving? i get off wednesday morning and don’t work again until the 10th

K 5:04am
I don't know yet, but not before the 4th what time do you start wednesday?

D 5:05am
i start tuesday night( 7pm) and home wednesday 7am

Kd5:06am
but the only way is if my kids are at mom's and "i am" too

shit 7 is early
and you r swamped tuesday
tomorrow nite?
you start at 7 on wed too?
do you have enough seniority to show up late?

K 5:09am
could we meet near by your work? I was hoping for later

D 5:09am
um lost a little bit, I do NOT work wed night. my issue is logistics to get out at night

K 5:10am
oh, i see, hummm, yeah me too, and days now that SO is off work permanently your meeting up with Sean for a drink?

D 5:11am
He never got back to me

K 5:11am
no no I mean that is why you need to go out wednesday night

D 5:14am
yeah i thought about...Rebecca and sean are close i know what you are saying....but from where i am that is risky ...slow again sorry put your book down

K 5:15am
hummm
would he understand or think the worst?

D 5:16am
might as well have sex if she finds out

K 5:16am lol
ditto

D 5:17am where is sean?

K 5:17am
back in Slave Lake

D 5:18am
Slave Lake? WTF happened to Edmonton?

Kd 5:19am bought an acerage

Dan 5:19am
news to me, i guess he was down and didn't call 

K 5:19am
this can't happen can it

D 5:20am
yes it can...
you got wednesday for sure. what do you want to do? it might help me make this happen if i knew

K 5:21am
just see you
I can sit in a parking lot and talk through a window if that's all that can happen

D 5:22am
oh..like in a mall or coffee shop. i can see it happening...just not the scenery

K 5:23am
it’s too late for me to arrange any other day (day or night) except tue or wed not that public
too much risk even in all innocence
baby waking stay here
false alarm

D 5:25am
yeah i was just thinking it could be made to look lie chance... wheels are turning...you up all night on computer is not suspicious?
i said lie, like

Kd5:36am
not suspicious, i’m always up late

D 5:37am
did you just log off?

K 5:37am ya
baby woke im back

K 5:38am
if i have to go again, i will come back

D 5:41am
ok uhh....let's talk about caution. i'm deleting all of our correspondence...don't want to but....i will send you a friendly note that you can keep in your inbox and reply to me once with the same bs. further notes need to be new so you can keep the original, non incriminating note, we are definitely no where near disclosing any kind of relationship to SOs ( and may never) so we need to delete friend each time...seem reasonable (PARANOID much)

K 5:46am
I may have lost your last post

D 5:48am
prolly not, i'm stuck. i don't want to push too much, i haven't a clue on the private idea you have that wouldn’t be reckless, i'm not on the same page?

K 5:49am
if i am even seen anywhere other then my mothers wed nite, i’m up shit creek

a little used roadd between town and city?

D 5:50am
ok what have you done (another time?) another time the story, not us

K 5:51am
no i mean if public and someone sees me when i should be at my moms then it will look suspicious.

oh wait i get it

D 5:51am
yeah....seems like a short leash

K 5:51am ya, very

D 5:55am
yikes, what am i trying to say. will he be looking for you? the sneakiness is hard to explain if discovered the chance thing is innocent (i'm getting a feeling nothing is innocent with you 2)

K 5:55am
he is going out with some friends

you'd be right on the money with last comment, but more explanation is needed

D 5:57am
shitty place to be...been there...

K 5:57am
but no he wouldn’t be looking just if i were seen and he found out that way besides i may tear up a little, just a bit embarrassing in public

D 6:00am
ok...still working it. but it can't be close to the town. you have a car?

K 6:00am ya

D 6:04am
ok we'll find a place, i need to find a way out. Alarm clocks will be ringing very soon. i will email you something tomorrow. i need to be "normal" and get to bed
do i have to delete chat stuff or is it gone by itself (history?)

K 6:05am
I don't know when i'll get to the computer but wherever and whenever you say I'll be there even if i don't get back to you till late
tomorrow is busy, but this is important

hit clear history at the top of this chat box

D 6:06am
ok goodnight ...chat cleared i'm going to delete you can

K 6:07am
good nite much i'm clearing too, don't really want to delete your "friend" tab but we both get it

D 6:08am
can you check my profile and make sure it doesn't say kendra and dean used to be lovers and are meeting on wednesday night and i'll do the same. expect an email like i said good night... i feel better thanks. hope i don't upset and you can function tomorrow (today)

K 6:10am
i'll check lol!!! i feel better too, no upset, feel pretty settled actually, function as i can, nite

D 6:10am bye