Post 3 "Fate had a weird way of circling back over paths that we're meant to cross" ~Emily Pulse, Gail McHugh

 

(see if email to Nicole fits here or if it is later)

"Kendra 

December 21 at 4:42pm

Kendra to Dean 

KD...

I guess that's the insecure me. When I joined facebook it was at a friends request. I did not want anyone finding me. Too many bad teen experiences that I didn't want to relive, also I was really insecure to have people look me up and be one of those people with only one or 2 friends on the list. The account sat with one friend on it for years until last summer when I thought of an old friend from Newfoundland I had never been able to locate. I started sending out a few friend requests with a cryptic photos (my kids) and left it at that. I updated the photo one day, not thinking, and then all of the sudden people found me through people and there went the alias. I just haven't gotten around to changing anything else on the account and really now try to keep it to an inner circle. I did start a new account with my name and have now been accused of coming out of the facebook closet, but I really plan on using that one for business. Not sure if you recognized it or not but you weren't exactly dealing with a girl with a whole lot of self confidence. I don't know that I have much more now than I did then, especially in light of circumstances in the past few years. That is a bit of where this return to school comes from. Maybe a degree will make me finally feel worthy? More on all of that later.

It's not so much busy as it is finding a space to be able to write all that could potentially spill out, as you probably found, once you start it's hard to stop and 18 years is a lot of catching up.

I have about 10 minutes before I have to leave and show some basement suites (a last ditch effort to make some cash before we leave) so I'll have to post a part 2 later.

To start (I don't want to go back too far, not ready for that yet :-) ) Both of my babies were born at home, under water, my first with a midwife, my second unassisted, the most amazing experiences of my life, I love nothing more then pregnancy and birth; I struggle as a mom. My daughter was born when I was 24, she was a surprise, I was elated, I always wanted 3 kids, my partner was apprehensive. For Keira's first 3 years I spent most of the time fighting with her dad. He wasn't ready for it and acted rather selfishly. Suffice it to say I am a causality of his upbringing.

Part of the reason to move back to Alberta was to have a safety net to leave him. Only one other person knows that. Just before we moved we had a huge blow and he vowed to do whatever it would take to make us work. It gave me hope but we still moved back. For the first year it didn't get better, one day I took off with her in a snowstorm and he called me back, we talked all night about us and things started getting better. We were also trying to run a business at the time (more on this later too) and it was taking a toll on me, especially as a mom. It wasn't long after that that we found out baby#2 was on his way. This was not what was wanted by my partner, again I was happy, but spent most of my pregnancy in tears, but after Adrien was born something seem to click, maybe it was that he was a more difficult baby and it was more obvious that I was not coping well. Things got a whole lot better with my relationship and it finally started to grow into a healthy mature one. Business was going all to hell though, and because of earlier patterns I was keeping a lot of it to myself. I was a mess, I was having panic attacks, mood swings and heart palpitations, I was getting really sick. I didn't recognize myself. It all came to a head when I found myself pregnant for a 3rd time and decided to terminate the pregnancy. I spent the next 2 years apathetic to life, not suicidal but really not caring about anything anymore. My partner really stepped up to the plate and drug me back to life. It has really only been since last Christmas that I have started to recognize myself. I am still dealing with the aftermath of all of the past, helping my children recover and rebuilding my relationship with them. My son is oblivious, thankfully but my daughter really needs my TLC. Moving is a good place to start over for all of us. I am making a conscious decision to leave a lot of unresolved problems behind and start over for the sake of my family. Fingers crossed, this feels like one more chance.

WOW, depressing, sorry. Start going and I can't stop. But gotta go, at least the last 10 min were productive, I'll squeeze in a few more later, just remember you asked."

"Kendra

 December 21 at 10:36pm

You know what, I'm so sorry, I really said a lot of things I shouldn't have, I really went off. Again, sorry."

"Dean 

December 22 at 3:21am

Kendra...It's alright. After I wrote (and it took me a lot longer than 10 minutes) to you last night, I had reservations too. I have had a day to sit on it and I am glad I hit send. I think it has been too long since I took inventory on my life. Sitting in front of the laptop telling you that you can "trust me" seems like just words. I think by the time people hit their thirty's, the words "trust me" can mean it's time to run, but you can trust me. This is confidential. I feel I am taking a big risk as well and if we are both on the same page, and both feel we have the same to lose (not sure I know what that means but it is my perception whenever I open up) then perhaps we can both agree that we have something to gain (and again, I'm not sure what that means either). Yikes!, what a sentence. You still with me :)

I asked the question, and you answered. Do not apologize. I spilled all that darkness on you because I really wanted you to know where I have been. I didn't realize I was going to feel better after I did (I did). Lay as much shit on me as you want or need. I have not been where you have been, or seen and felt what you have, but I have been "down" and it is very dark and very lonely.

If your up to it, I would like to hear the rest, and then if your up to even more, I'll go again.

AHHHHH! 3:15 AM. You must think I'm a vampire. Damn nightshifts. 

Dean

(see if email to Nicole fits here or if it is later)

"Kendra 

December 22 at 10:48am

Thanks, I do feel better about what I wrote, and I guess there is no shame in just telling the truth.
I am really happy to hear you are close with your children. I think that is the most important thing anyone can be. But you will have to forgive me if I don't dig too deeply into your family photos, I am a very visual person, I don't know that I want to place those images into my head. Maybe if you hadn't married someone I know it would be different, besides I have a photo of a little boy in a football uniform, if your kids look like you I just have to think on that photo and I can imagine; cute kids!

I don't know that there is too much more to say regarding were I have been, I certainly covered the worst of it and the best of it. Everything else is just the details and that took 18 years to live. Wow, that makes me feel really old.
I've been all over Canada in those years, I did 2 years of an Arts Degree in Ontario (theatre and medieval studies), then moved to Courtney to finish my undergrad, that didn't happen. I then started studying midwifery and that enveloped my life for a while, I got very wrapped up in the political and realized I didn't really want to change the world that way after all. When we came back to Calgary the aim was to go back to school, at the time to upgrade math and then try to get into medicine. I started thinking about how much time away from my daughter that would mean and that it would also mean no more kids (at the time I thought I was a pretty good mom and capable of having more than one), so I changed my mind. I did want to figure out something though, to get us ahead. I grew up in poverty, I wanted better for Keira, not that I was living in poverty at the time, but we were just making ends meet, moving across the country, traveling back to visit in Calgary and living in Courtney meant there were no savings.

I started investing in Real Estate, it went really, really well for a while. I had my own hours and I could take Keira with me. I learned how to do everything myself through that experience. I can frame, drywall, do plumbing, electrical, manage subdivisions, complete condo conversions, I've learned to be organized and manage multiple tenants and business, I loved designing the renovations etc... But I got in over my head, in the first year we had over 2 million in mortgages ( about 400k in equity ) but we were still broke. Property rich, cash poor. It was a house of cards. If one tenant skipped out on rent I went into a tail spin to cover the mortgage. I had to borrow high interest money to cover it. Once that started a vicious cycle emerged. We got in for no money out of our pockets but started to dig into those pockets to keep everything afloat. I had to keep buying more property to cover the mounting debt payments. A few deals went sideway and things got worse. One business partner lost his marbles and let one of our properties go into foreclosure, he blamed me. We were on our way to deliver 24 hour notices to tenants to get an appraisal on the units when I went into labour for Adrien. We headed back home. I was in the bath tub in full blown labour (I have my babies fast, Keira was 4 hours, Adrien was 2 and 1/2, so by the time we got back from Meadowvale to Corsica (a 20 min drive) I was in transition) and I was on the phone with our business partner trying to get it through his thick skull why I couldn't take the notices over. I had a newborn in my arms in court when we lost our first property. I kept this to myself (my partner didn't know how bad it had gotten, I figured I got us into this mess, I needed to get us out) I kept working on deals to help us recover, some did help, then some made it worse. It probably all would have worked out but I was a new mom, had a high needs baby, got little to no sleep, had bill collectors calling and keeping it inside, moved to an acreage, was sexually harassed by another business partner while our house was in his name and when his wife found out she accused me of an affair with him (GOD NO). I started another business, selling clothes at a kiosk in the mall, it went Ok then the sexual harassment thing happened, that partner had been cheating on his wife, she found out and kicked him out, they let their properties go into foreclosure, that included the house we were in (we were partners on it) It was right around then that I walked out of the house and just kept walking, I think I walked for 4 hours, I ended up at a coffee shop in the neighbouring town. I sat there for about an hour when my partner found me. We decided to make some changes, I still didn't tell him everything, I had dug a hole so deep, and he had trusted me and I screwed it up severely, I still had the idea that I needed to fix it. I closed down shop at the mall and took an accounting job at Sears. I finagled one of their few top paying jobs for non management and it payed really very little, I went from $500/h as a subdivision consultant, to a 13.50/h cash counter. That's when I decided it was time to go into law. I have spent numerous hours in court with our business, most lawyers are bumbling idiots who know the rules of court. I figured I could do it. I found the quickest route to practicing (Australia) and have resigned myself to living on a students budget. At least if we are living in poverty for the next 2.5 years we will be somewhere really nice, and I exaggerate, it's not poverty.

It took a year for the foreclosure to happen. Thankfully I had 2 guardian angels through this or I would have completely collapsed. I have 2 "brothers" one investor and one realtor. They have helped me through the worst of it. I owe them both so much, from gratitude to money. One of them knew that our partner had stopped paying my mortgage out of the money I gave him every month, my friend advised me and I stopped paying (even thought at this point I didn't know our house was on the chopping block) [It was also around this point when my partner found out about the debt collection and how bad our credit now was. It was another rocky point in our relationship but we've made it through, I think he sees why I didn't tell him everything,he deals very poorly with stress and he sees everything I have done to try to make things better]

My partner was working with his sister and we weren't paying a mortgage so we were able to save some money, that and student loans and we won't exactly be poor, but just back to the beginning. We are now staying in a friends basement until we leave. All our belonging are either sold or in storage. I am doing a little property management and my partner is still working with his sister. We should be leaving before the New Year but are still waiting on Visas, now with Christmas holidays the move may not take place till after the New Year. I am excited for this. I feel like when all is said and done I will have law to fall back on, I haven't given up on the real estate game, it is by far the best way to make money, if you have a little safety net and take your time, not like I did it. And I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Australia, in fact that was my plan just after high school, a friend and I took jobs to save for the trip. But things happen and life changes. I'm just happy it is happening now rather then never, even if it has taken the last few years of high drama to reach this point. 

Now back to your letter, lol, you morose and sullen? After reading all I had to dish out I am sure you see you would not give ME that impression. It is very cool to hear how the birth of your daughter affected you, it is very cool to hear how babies change peoples lives, I don't know that most recognize the depth of change that happens, for some I think they see that baby as an accessory, I am a little sad that part of my life is over, so I love to hear about other peoples experiences. I am sorry to hear that your second child's entry was life changing in such a different way. It must have been very difficult. I can't even begin to imagine it. I am also happy to find out you found someone who could bring you out of where you were when I knew you, even if it is someone I never clicked with in high school [:-)]. One advantage for me is having an uncle who was your best friend and only a few years older then me. A long time back he shared with me what he was going through at the time and what you two were doing together. It helped explain some stuff for me. It may have helped me to understand but it never changed my over all impression of us. I do have to admit though it is a little strange how connected you are with my family and how disconnected I am (Aunt Patricia goes to the gym?? oh wait, she works there??? see)

Your turn...too bad I have to wait till tomorrow AM to read it and sorry for all the typos, I hate proofreading."

"Kendra... 

December 22 at 11:00am

BTW re photos, remember I get the advantage to preview them before I post them :-) and a good make up artist and a good photographer can preform miracles"

"Kendra 

 December 22 at 10:08am

Oh and Erin? Interesting choice, yours? I don't know if you know but Jennifer (Patricia's Daughter, is Jennifer Erin, I told Patricia to name her Erin, I was going to call her Erin. And Adrien is an Aaron."

"Dean

 December 22 at 8:52pm

I am the opposite of you today. No time. I'm trying to get to you but I'm at work. I have mixed feelings about Christmas. I'm cool with it with my immediate family. But all the nieces, nephews, and the rest of extended family push my good spirits into stress. Had to put my foot down early with in-laws. Was expected to drive north one christmas in --40 weather with a week old baby. I was about to do it and then I kind of flipped out. "NO EFFING WAY we are going anywhere in this weather". If I just got to saying it before it had me really pissed off, probably would have spared everyone some grief. I tried to be accommodating at first but I just imagined if anything would have happened, I would have looked like an irresponsible asshole for risking my newborn's life. I don't think the in-laws saw it that way but whatever.

My daughter's full name is Erin Denise McDonald (yup...just Erin)
13 yr old son is Dillon Douglas McDonald (Douglas for Rebecca's grandfather who passed away a week earlier...and likely contributed to her very early labor)
11 yr old is Mason Reginald McDonald (Reginald is my Dad)

3 kids is lots in this day and age. So much more than 2 (your outnumbered). Not taking lightly your situation with your family. If you think you may not have been able to handle it...you may have been right. Again, we do not to be reminded we are not cats. You get one life, no do-overs.

I've got people and things and phones and other distractions all around me (and a lack of privacy), not really able to give this the time and attention I want to.

I'll try to send a couple of short notes when I get the opportunity (for sure later in shift).

Your recent surge of interest in facebook going to be a problem?

Still my turn 

Dean