Post 4 "No amount of time and space can seperate you from the people who are meant to be in your life. They will always come back" ilovemylsi.com

Dec 23 2:08 AM

Dean sent you a message. --------------------

"Re: hey

Going to Australia for an adventure? Sounds like you just had one. Where do I start? $2 million dollars!!!!!!!! That is so much more risk than I could tolerate. You have tremendous balls. Rebecca and I have very different economic philosophies and it has taken much time and heartache to find a place where we both...do not want to kill each other. I've had a few 5 figure surprises (and each time it is the last time). It has become a trust issue for us. This is work in progress for me/us. On that subject, I'm really at a loss, I don't have an answer.

To me, the problem with real estate is that to make money, you have to depend on someone being stupider (speaking generally, not you) than you and the banks play with people like there...not people. The amount of credit (I'm guessing you have first hand knowledge of this) that they will give people is insane. People believe banks are there friend or something like that. They think "if the bank will lend it to me then it must be Ok". That being said, everything is relative and if you were a Californian you could probably sit at a table in a coffee shop and share real estate/credit horror stories like I talk about last night's hockey game at work. << Not sure of the severity of your current reality and fear I may sound scolding. I'm not. I have strong feelings about this type of thing and you, and your family are victims >> You are right though, the world's richest came from oil, technology and real estate. Did you know, my soon to be lawyer friend, in Britain that ALL the land is owned by the crown and leased out. Mortgages are willed (50, 75 yr mortgages) kind of like owning a parrot...or not.

Relationships.

After nearly pulling the pin on our marriage, we too, decided things had to change.

After declaring my affection for my children, they were, in my mind, part of our problem. Erin was an accident, it took some time to figure out this irony but I resented Rebecca for not inviting me to the discussion on when we should have kids. As much as I love Erin, and all my kids, at the time I was pretty choked about that. That was stupid on my part in so many ways. First, if I did not want kids, I could have ensured that myself. Second, I would have never decided to have kids. That is the truth. She made an executive decision and I am cool with it now.

More Resentment.
You talked about "coping" raising kids. Yeah...I get that. There were so many issues with Mason and I blamed it on Rebecca. Which wasn't fair, and as time has passed, also needless. Mason is a fucking miracle (who would I be right now if he didn't start breathing again...ooowwww I can't go there). Rebecca also blamed Rebecca and this was a recipe for about 4 years of hell. Subconsciously trying to get each other, instead of helping each other through this world we were becoming each other's biggest problem. I was emotionally immature, really. I never learned how to behave in a relationship from my parents.

It seems like we start at the same place, take completely different paths, and when it's over we all end up at the same place. Different things happening to us but they leave us feeling the same (betrayal, guilt, shame).The injuries and insults we receive from those we love, the transgressions we return to make it even. Sounds like a war.

Your last paragraph (in the long one) is a mouthful and slightly cryptic (intentional?) Not sure if Rebecca actively helped me but as I said I needed to change. Wasn't sure what or how but could start by not pushing away another unbroken woman (girl?). She had it pretty good growing up (and yet, terrible taste in men :) ), and as I revealed more of me she was... I don't know what, I don't at all. She couldn't relate to any of it. No alcoholics, junkies, divorce, nothing, in her family. We watched "intervention" once and I said "that's it, that's me and my mom 25 years ago." Same dialogue, same frustration, same confusion (why?).

I don't know if anyone could relate unless they lived it.

Am I trying to one-up your misery? Or just comparing scars. I hope you find the strength to plow through this "high drama" (understatement if there ever was one) and finish. Even if you don't feel better, you'll have a law degree. Bad joke. You will feel better or at least you'll be closer to knowing what will make you feel better, happy, content, satisfied, whole.

The pregnancy thing...I enjoyed and I too am sad that part of my life is behind me. At one time, I had a 4 yr, 3 yr and 1 yr old, and in spite of those days being the most challenging for my marriage, it was also a riot with those little buggers. I liked the belly, hormonal highs, the simplicity (this it what we are here for). I did not care for labor , the seizures (I think you called them contractions), vomiting from going into shock from pain, all the blood (so much, emergency D & C, accidental cut, very bad, lots of blood). Finanlly got it right with Mason, big and on time.

from you (having trouble keeping this straight):
It may have helped me to understand but it never changed my over all impression of us. I do have to admit though it is a little strange how connected you are with my family and how disconnected I am (Patricia goes to the gym?? oh wait, she works there??? see)

I am not connected to your family. Patricia works at the gym and we always acknowledge each but that is it. I've seen your bloody uncle once since he got married and that really pisses me off. He better stop by this week or I'll...........what can I do? I'll ask him again next year. It did not seem like his wife cared for me last I saw them.

What was your "overall impression of us"? I really want to know. What's on your ipod?
favorite TV show(s)? movie(s)?
favorite memory from us? (crossing the line? don't answer) what business?

Was going to ask you any regrets but that is so unfair. They are not regrets, they are the results and consequences of decisions made based on the best information we had at the time. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Did you know I work with a guy, that married a girl, that you went to school with in Everwood? Alexis ?????? Really, really, smart. Pharmacist now.

Any sports?

House under construction “link to his home”

Again, hard to stop once I get going

I try very hard to not to be misunderstood when I write to you (that's why its proofed). I am pretty tired and really don't want my tone to taken the wrong way (so easy with email). If I say something that lands on you wrong or doesn't feel right, would you give me the opportunity to clarify before leaping to a conclusion that may not have been intended?

You are up 

Dean"

MISSING MINE??????????????????????????????????????? .............................................................................................................................. hey

what was your impression of us...we were togethr, then we were not

Between You and Dean McDonald Earlier Messages

"Dean 

December 24 at 3:40am

real estate

I am relieved your financial situation isn't as bleak as I thought (if you knew me well, that wouldn't surprise you that I leapt to that conclusion). Sounds like you know more about the real estate game than I. My response, should have been more generalized, but I do get excited when banks ask for sympathy because of an upheaval they created, while a middle class suffers dearly (mostly american) because they were only doing what the banks and government encouraged them to do. Was kind of thinking you got tangled up in that. I won't go "advice column" on you again if that it was it seemed like. I will ask you for advice regarding this subject if find myself needing it (just cause I'm pretty don't do me like those men did you :) )

BTW I have never done a smiley before corresponding with you. I think I get it now. Wait for it. keyboards in the future will have a smiley key. Maybe they will take over the shift 7 button. goodbye "&"

non traditional parenting.

I thought you might be one of those homeschool wingnuts. JOKE. Actually, I am aware of this growing trend and have some first hand knowledge. Rebecca's sister home schools her 4 kids. When she started this, I did not support it, but after watching the success her children have enjoyed (her oldest is starting college next year...she's also gorgeous and is going to learn more than her mother had hoped for I think...another story) and my own experiences with traditional school. I am in favor it. Until you mentioned it, I had assumed it was predominately religious folks that did this, and clearly you are not. If you are part of the network or group, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. There is a downside, at least in my nieces and nephews case. The oldest, who is going to college next year, is scared. She is pretty, kind and considerate, polite but just lacks social skills. They do get out of the house (family dances, curling) but she doesn't embrace these opportunities to meet new people, she endures them until it is time to go home. Her oldest boy, hates it, they live on an acreage and he is bored most of the time, 15 yrs old and would probably like to meet some girls. These are minor and can be overcome. One of their youngest has a development problem that would probably be addressed in the public school system, but it appears to be some denial of the problem on Rebecca's sister's part. This isn't minor

and also not the fault of homeschooling but...blah, blah, blah. You live it, you know. I'm guessing you get a lot of flak over this. Public school is broke, really 80% day care.

...I am really going off today aren't I ?

birth

What can I say to clarify? It was violent, and gross, and heart wrenching (oooh that looks like it hurts). Maybe I was too sympathetic to the situation. It was beautiful, in a storm before calm kind of way. If you asked Rebecca (you won't, hypothetical), her recollection of the events would be different than mine. I think women, mothers, during that moment afterward...words are failing me...you know what I mean, get a type of amnesia. If not, the world would be full of only children.

I am disappointed that your S.O. did not participate in your pregnancies. He missed out on a once in lifetime. I saw your pictures with your belly. You were beautiful and you know it and don't give me the low self esteem on this one. I'm not buying it.

Good time for me to go off about parenting?

I have accepted the fact that innocence, as we knew it, is ancient history. My daughter is just 15, and has the worldly knowledge that I had when I was 20. I would like to think I am of use to her, but if something happened to me, she would be more than fine. And I think that is the point of parenting. She had friends over the other night for her birthday and they played beer pong. 13 kids, 3 cases of beer (that we were aware of). Nobody got alcohol poisoning, no girls got sexually assaulted, nobody drove home drunk, they weren't in a dangerous situation or exposed drugs, and, they all thought they were bad ass. win, win, win. I started off parenting a teenager with this discussion: " all teenagers want to do is get drunk, screw, and drive home. What are you doing tonight? " Get the awkwardness out of the way, let them realize that you are not actually oblivious. Good discussion followed. I also find it challenging that she is a December baby, and hangs around with her cousin who is a grade ahead of her. She very often is associating with kids 3 yrs older than her. I also enjoy that one of the boys that she is "friends" with is 6'3" tall. Really. eff my life :)

He is actually a pretty decent kid. I was just hoping that I would be intimidating to her potential boyfriends until she graduated. Wadya think of all that.

Tilt! Do you remember when we were dating, we stopped at your friends house and her little sister was having a party. A couple went downstairs and got caught screwing by her dad. Her parents totally lost their shit. I would be pissed of too, but they were in total disbelief. How can you be that naive. Teenagers, probably the most attractive and horny people on earth...what could possibly happen? {He remembered this wrong...we weren't dating then, but this was the night he apologized to me about how we broke up...and I had totally forgotten until he brought it up here ~ Kendra }

Erin works at shoppers drug mart in town. she said to me one night " all I sold tonight was lottery tickets and condoms, everybody wants to get lucky!" That's my relationship with her.

your dad

Would you tell me about your dad? You never went there before. 

TV

you will get a kick out of this.

We went years without cable. My idea, and much resistance. I have not watched a full episode of The Simpsons, Friends, Seinfeld etc. I tried to on a few occasions just so I knew what that hell everyone was talking about but these shows are awful.

I have recently changed. started watching some shows online and now have a few favorites. Finally broke down and got cable a while ago, but myself, have only started to enjoy tv in the last year. Dexter (you must if you haven't), Californication, Arrested Development was awesome, The Office (who doesn't), Family Guy (Brian, Stewie...Yesssss). A couple others. But I really enjoy these shows and that is 180 degrees for me.

My brother lives in my old house now and yeah that window makes me smile. but that's it? I thought I was so much more to you :) I do recall spending an evening on a roof, outside Sean's window. there were others too.

I did not know I made the family album. Yeah, it is kind of crappy that you have to go through that. However (is this selfish?) I'm glad I wasn't one of those blips you refer to from your past. hmmmm...

Excessive facebooking on my part would definitely be uncharacteristic and maybe suspicious. I'm not looking to cause trouble for anyone. so I'll do what I can, when I can, and I am sure you get that.

ipod.

I love my ipod I saw silversun pickups in the summer. I liked them more before I saw them live but I still dig them. Modest Mouse is my current favorite. I just got into them and have been wondering where they have been all my life. Dandy Warhols, Foo Fighters, this is a loooong list. and my battery is dying.

Have a great December 25th with your kids

I wouldn't be able to respond to a response(?) until the 25th so if you are trying to squeeze me in tomorrow, don't. I'll wait as you may have to for me somedays.

oh yeah HOCKEY, playing it, not spectating so much. 

Dean"

"Devon

December 24 at 4:28am

Ha, lucky you. Can't sleep and have more to say. Gonna kill the battery on it iPod now.

Hard to respond point by point with this thing so the format is going to a more blurting style. Wish I had the shift 7 key on here:)

Breastfeeding

Rebecca' sister is also big into this. I think she went till they were 5 ish with all four. Do the math, 10 years straight, much of it 2 at a time. I'll be candid, she had big beautiful breasts and now she has very long tired breasts. I don't think think I would have done that but as with all exclusive women's issues, I don't pass judgement. Rebecca was also into this but did not go much past 2. Partly because the kids were so close together and stress ( touched on that already)

Blurting

Weird week with friends from the past. Sean (commas are a pain the butt

on here no more. Sorry) then you ( awesome), then john. Then his brother

Gary."

Sent via Facebook Mobile

"Dean...

 December 24 at 4:50am

I tried to scroll up and must have hit send. Wanted to add that Rebecca and a doctor in town ran a breastfeeding thing in town for the last 2 kids so ... Yaaaaaay for boobs! :)

I did not know you wanted to act. If I recall it was ballet, modeling, and daisy duke shorts. I have a cousin in Hollywood. He did a couple of very small parts on movies and tv. He teaches now and actually knows probably every B-lister there. Weird though it has become just a job to him it seems. His wife is proving herself as a very talented producer/ director. She was on a soap opera but there is no place in Hollywood for older women in front of the camera.

I missed stuff. Not intentionally. Ask me again if you like. Really should try and get back with the living and go to bed. Nice talking to you.

Dean"

Sent via Facebook Mobile

I read that last line over and over again.....”Nice talking to you.” Nice talking to you? NICE TALKING TO YOU????? My heart started to race, the blood vessels in my face constricted and the blood drained. I pursed my lips. That’s it, NICE FUCKING TALKING TO YOU. I disclosed so much, and HE disclosed so much and that was it. See ya around? I hit the keys on my keyboard as I responded so hard that you could HEAR the words I was typing.

"Kendra...

 December 24 at 9:54am

That's it? Nice talking to you? I was wondering what prompted this exchange; have you seen the movie High Fidelity with John Cusack? He and his girlfriend break up and he starts searching through his past and asking old girlfriends about "us" when he gets to his ex Charlie (Catherine Zeta Jones) She calls him on it (although in that case she dumped him). I kept getting flashbacks of that movie over the last few days, a just looking back to see if forward will look clearer. Guess my instincts are more intact than I previously thought. Does that mean that my vision of you typing at work with a bunch of sneering guys looking over your shoulder saying "see how much she'll disclose" is accurate too? I've said more than enough to get me into trouble on here and it took far less to get one jealous wife threatening me once before. If you think you didn't mean more to me than I wrote in my impression of us than you misread the hurt in what I wrote. But that's as much as I am willing to commit to cyberspace. There are many, many more memories, some good, some far less than. Which is quite amazing really considering the short length of time we were actually together. Don't read into the tone of this the wrong way, just responding, but I'll chalk this up to another good memory.

Answer me this though which came first the photo or the thought? I mean were you thinking about me then found the photo or found the photo and then went "hey, wonder what she's been up to" consider that a question from the "low self esteem" your not buying."

"Kendra...

 December 24 at 9:56am

Birth: nope not a biological rewiring of memories, I've watched the videos and it's been confirmed by spectators. It was a sensual, tranquil, empowering and moving experience even from the outside looking in."

I went to bed seething.

I woke and checked my messages before I had even gotten out of bed. I had read Devon's email and his tone shook me so much it made the last minute Christmas shopping I had to do such a difficult chore. I wanted to check back to my messages over and over for his reply. How DARE he just brush me aside now that he was done with the conversation, and reconnected with ALL his old friends, I was just one of many, and now off to his Christmas obligations. I needed to talk to someone. I had been sending Nicole updates about the conversations Dean and I were having. Nicole is my sounding board, no one knew me as well as she did. She would support me in anything but only if I had clarified my needs and intentions. I called her every chance I had. I had the old style flip phone, no facebook updates available and no facebook notifications came through the texting feature(on a pay as you go plan...may be an important detail...also need to see where more 'Nicole" fits, including "wow how does it feel to be in love with one and loving another) 

Nicole returned my call as I filled my shopping cart with the last minute menuitia of Christmas. I asked her to log into my facebook account and see if Dean had replied. He had, Nicole read it to me.

"Dean

 December 24 at 3:04pm

Need an in-law break.

The thought. I have always wondered about and was concerned about you

when I could never find you under Sean's friend list (really). Was hoping

to the "things that are understood don't need to be spoken" route on this

but...you are not a blip. Why would you be on my consciousness so much

after such a brief relationship. Maybe you can tell me. This business

between you and me is very private and precious and I will not risk it by

acting like a schoolboy. That kind of landed on me funny.

Dean"

Sent via Facebook Mobile

She then read his previous entry to herself, then she read mine reply.

“So what do you want to know?” She asked. What is the point of this she asked me filtering through the rant of anger I had wanted to deliver in response to his offhanded good bye.

Tears started to burn my eyes. I knew what I wanted to know, what I had always wanted to know. Had I meant anything to him. I mean we had known each other for years but were only involved with one another for six weeks. But we had spent almost the entire six weeks together. Did it matter to him? 

I told Nicole. “I want to know if I mattered” and swallowed the pain again.

“So ask him that” She said

“You write it” I told her. I want to know now. I won't be home for a while to write it. You are already on my account.

“Us”

Between Dean McDonald and You

"Kendra 

December 24 at 3:02pm

Take away your reasons why the "us" ended what did I mean to you and what do I mean to you now?" 

I was satisfied with what she wrote. It was direct. As I was learning to be. Nicole and I discussed .............................

And then “Oh my god he replied” She gasped. “He’s online” My heart began to race. I was starting to feel something about us must have mattered, he seemed to be as eager to check his email for word from me as I was.

"Dean McDonald

 December 24 at 3:05pm

OMG weird. Your on I have to go though. :)

Sent via Facebook Mobile

FILL IN THE REST OF THE DAY HERE Judy's and fried rice (complexity of waiting for news on Aus, and living at howards, storage unit, visas dinner at sandhars) ordid i read and respond at Judy's i kno we chatted there, i know the full moon mattered...

When I everyone was finally asleep for the night. And Santa had completed his job of displaying the gifts neatly under the tree. I slipped away to read what Dan had to say. I knew by now there would be more. And given my question, likely a lot more.

"Dean McDonald

December 24 at 11:39pm

I hope you and your family have great day tomorrow, however you celebrate it. I try very hard to say what I mean and be clear. NOTHING gets by you (smart girl). You reply and I think to myself "that isn't what I meant" but then I read back and it was almost what I said.

What did us mean to me?

Do I have to quantify? Could I? Nothing I could write would do this justice.

We have wrote back and forth less than 10 times and have picked up

almost right where we left off. Some brutal honesty accelerated that, but

still. You want an answer, but the more I try, the more questions I have.

This is getting uncomfortable. All I know for sure is that you were good to me,

would have been good for me if...and I ended something I should have

seen through. I hate that for one second you could have thought it was

you that caused that. You think it was hard hearing and seeing about me

from your grandma? Try not hearing a single thing in 18 years.

I work tomorrow and hope to hear from you but totally understand if your

busy.

Dean"

Sent via Facebook Mobile

It hit me so hard, his words. I had so much to say but I wasnt ready. I had to think about it. I had to let these feeings that were stiring in me process before I dared to say anything.

"Kendra

 December 25 at 1:00am

Hey, sorry, looks like you were answering my question WHILE I was asking it :-) I will be trying to get back to you tomorrow. On the MORE questions getting stirred up...I hear ya. Have a good day tomorrow too, I'll be with my in-laws this time :-/"

I hesitated to push send. I felt if I stayed logged into my account I could feel him, with his words on the screen in front of me. But the tears werestarting to fill my eyes and I couldn't even see the words anymore. My hand shot to cover my mouth as the sobs began. K and Adrien were asleep beside me. Keira was on the bed nearby. I couldn't wake them, not on Christmas eve with the sound of me crying. Everyone knew I was under pressure trying to get everything organized for our move to Australia, well behind schedule and short on money but even that wouldn't excuse the breakdown I was about to display. I turned of the laptop and slipped under the covers. As the tears filled my eyes and spilled out silently I felt lighter. An emptiness I had held in my chest for what seemed to be my entire life felt like it was filled. A pain I hadn't realized had been locked in my heart awakened and my heart skipped a beat, and the pain subsided. An anger rose and my body began to tremble, my mind released the events of my relationship with Dean, events I had buried under a blanket of anger. Our break up, how I had rationalized away the pain and minimized the importance of the relationship. If I buried Dean in anger it had hurt less then if I had ever admitted he had meant something to me. Now knowing I had meant something to him the anger subsided and the pain released and suddenly the love that had lay buried swelled inside of me and changed everything I thought I knew about life and love and relationships and family. In an instant I knew I loved Dean and I always had and nothing in my life could ever be the same again. I knew when I opened that first email nothing would ever be the same again. But now I felt the depth of that change threatening to take over my entire life. My face was streaked with tears and I cried over the break up 18 years ago, tears I had not then shed. I cried for the young lovers who had meant something to one another but lacked the knowledge to understand what that meant and lacked the confidence to reach out and hold on to the other rather then just walk away as if nothing had mattered between them, believing the other didn't feel the same and lacking the confidence to ask. I cried for young love, so often dismissed but when in reality the young heart seems to know so clearly what it wants but rarely has the guidance to help them recognize it when it is in front of them. I cried in silence. Once the pain had released the sobs subsided and the sorrow for lost time, lost love allowed for silent grief to pool and spill down my face. It was the beginning of my understanding of just how many different kinds of tears there really were, each the result of a different emotion. In this night tears of anger, pain, love, loss, sorrow and hopelessness all covered my face but I fell asleep with a fullness in my breast that could only be described as the fullness of love. A love that lay dormant, unexpressed now rising and expanding.

I needed to write Dean, I needed to talk to Dean, I needed to see Dean!