Post 5 "Sometimes the difference between breaking down and breaking open in nearly indiscernible" Briget Asher

 I woke on Christmas morning in love. Not new love, reclaimed love. But in a confusion as to what to do with it. I was leaving the country imminently. I was on my way to Law School. I was committed to the man I had been with for 17 years. I was faithful and loyal. I believed in lifelong love and commitment. I had told him I would love him forever. I had been through every imaginable obstacle with him and I had told myself over and over again that I loved him. Even when I had wanted to leave him in the past I had come back to being with him, to working it out. Even the times when it meant leaving a part of me behind or letting go of a desire or an expectation. I had come to regard my relationship as unequal, I didn't feel loved but I wasn’t alone, although I felt I was often. I let go of any expectation and suddenly we fought less, so it was easier to be together. My belief system was so strong in making it work that even now, when I told Nicole this was our last chance. We were starting over in Australia, I would become a Lawyer and we would play by my rules. If I wanted to build a big house full of nooks and cranies I would, and if I wanted a room for just shoes I would have it. The balance of power was changing and if it didn't we wouldn't make it. I didn't really believe I would ever leave him. (I was so anti cheating that I wouldn't even watch the Bridges of Madison County because I thought it sensationalized affairs....I think i was so anti affairs because I always thought I would be the one experiencing the pain of one)

I had to get to the computer, I needed to let Devon know I was thinking about him. I knew he had let a lot of his hidden emotion out and was feeling vulnerable waiting for a reply. What timing, when neither of us could break away from family or commitments to say what needed to be said. I had to at least reply, to settle him down, I could feel his anxiety, because I was feeling it to. I hadn't told him what he meant to me and I knew he was waiting, hoping I would in turn let him know what he had meant to me.

"Kendra

 December 25 at 11:42am

Hi, I have 2 minutes while everyone is distracted. I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and hope your holiday is festive in your way too. I'll try to write again (more) later"

I proceeded to put on my Christmas face, one so well practiced over the last 17 years, one for the in-laws, hiding how much I loathed this holiday and the terms and conditions put on it.
I logged into my facebook account, under the guise of working on my immigration, on my sister in laws laptop while everyone else was in the living room.

((((((((( Christmas eve and fried rice????? Christmas Day and hockey??????)))))))) or when was hockey????

WHEN DID Sean AND LEIGH COME OVER TO AB BEACH AND SEAN HAD BROUGHT UP DEANS NAME????

Boxing day w Sean and Leigh and Dean was mentioned?????

"Dean McDonald

 December 25 at 3:45pm

Thanks. No worries if you don't get to me, it's family time. I'll catch up with you when you can."

"Kendra December 25 at 4:32pm

:-)"

"Kendra

 December 25 at 5:40pm

I have a whole lot I want and need to say, but not here. My heart is racing and my stomach is churning."

"Kendra

 December 25 at 6:04pm

Idea: just cuz I can't get around to writing now doesn't mean you can't fill me in on your christmas or what you are doing at work"

"Dean 

December 25 at 10:43pm

What a day. Relaxing in hot tub for a bit then get some sleep. I like

Christmas but glad it is only once a year. Wondering if Christmas was a

distraction from the work you need to do to get to Australia.

Also wondering what has you so excited. Guess you didn't make it back

to facebook."

Sent via Facebook Mobile

"Dean 

December 25 at 10:52pm

I should have some Down Time to email tomorrow."

Sent via Facebook Mobile

Boxing day

"Dean

 December 26 at 10:22am

""My overall impression of us.....well we spent a lot of time together over a short period of time then I got dumped, that's about it. I think I'll be treading on some pretty rough water if I go further than that. The only other thing I can say is this a girl will compare herself to the past and future relationships of her ex, she will then place herself on a scale somewhere in between and it'll affect her on some level for the rest of her life. You have a 15 year old, this is probably important for you to know. Have you broached the dating crap with your kids yet? I know you probably have a lot of sage advice, will they listen, that's the question"" (requote Kendra)

The more I read this, the less I think I understand. Not sure if you are willing to fill in between the lines. Do I pretend to be more intuitive and understanding than I am? Probably (but I am trying). Curious, what your perception of what my daughter (and yours, sooner than you think) is coming up against, hopefully not so soon. Will they listen, no. If they did, what fun will that be. The safe sex, condom thing is out of the way. Alex was in grade 9 last year and had the opportunity to sit behind a girl (15 yrs old) who was pregnant. The timing was perfect, she delivered 2 weeks before summer vacation. Alex does not want to be that girl.

I haven't said too much about dating but am leaning towards, date lots, date many, and keep your reputation intact. She is a pretty serious hockey player (actually pretty good), honor student, has a job, and a decent social life. She complains she has no time for a boyfriend so, as a father, that is perfect. It appears she is learning, from her parents, to consciously end relationships with people that are negative and destructive. Unfortunately this includes my sister. The upside is that she avoids the cattiness, bullying, etc normally associated with being a teenage girl. I am told that she is beautiful, so that helps. It is easy to be selective when the boys are lining up.

This dialogue with you is making me realize how awesome I think my daughter is. I could go on and on and on and on :) I'll spare you

Yeah, pretty quiet today. You might be very busy...or shopping?"

"Kendra

 December 26 at 2:39pm

Hey, I'm so sorry I really want to get to this but I have part 2 of Christmas with the in-laws. No privacy. I am really trying to create a space to get to this."

Oh the rotten timing. I was filled with confusion and emotion and I was living my life as I had for the last 17 years as if nothing was going on inside of me. When inside I was changing and everything I thought I was was rapidly disintegrating. And I couldn't even tell Dean yet what was happening inside of me. And once I did, what would happen next.

"Dean

December 26 at 4:24pm

Same deal as yesterday. no problem at all. Enjoy it as much as you can (wine...any color :) )
I'll check back later tonight before I go to bed."

"Kendra

December 26 at 5:07pm

Sneaking in a second as I can :) YES WINE PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (because i told him I am a red wine drinker in my lost email !!!!)"

"Kendra

 December 26 at 9:53pm

It has to be short, short on time, there is so much more to say but this is killing me. After I read what you wrote last (a few ago really, about us) I really did some processing. I couldn't sleep, in fact cried most of the night. I cried over us, long over due. I hadn't realized the hurt was covered by anger and the anger was covering how I really felt about you. I'm not angry anymore. But now that the anger is gone I find I feel exactly like I did 18 years ago. Now I don't know what I do with these feelings. More later if I can."

'Kendra 

December 27 at 1:13am

Home again, home again (kinda, a friends basement isn't really home) Well this xmas goes down on record as the worst one ever. Our friends girlfriend is getting a little annoyed that we are still here. Her granddaughter/daughter stole my daughters new DS game (only explanation) so we went to the in-laws to get out of the house. Xmas dinner was planned for boxing day cause SO's sister had plans for xmas with her partner so I ended up with 2 days in a row with the in-laws who I only tolerate. We are going over to SIL again tomorrow but she won't be home, we are borrowing her house to visit with Sean and Leigh. Top all of this off with not knowing when we are leaving (within a week to 2) but need to wait on the visa AND now I am dealing with old stirred up emotions.

I guess you haven't been on yet (still up?) I'm sending this aside off then gonna get back on topic."

“More”

more

Between Dean McDonald and You

"Kendra

December 27 at 2:40am

So don't go all weird on me now that I am gonna spill it all.
Yes I cried xmas eve. I didn't even know I had it in me still. I was angry over how we ended (on the phone) even though we had some closure at my friends party I still figured it was something wrong with me. And then after we fought (GnR) tickets and I NEVER heard from you again. I started to get really angry. As I was working through getting over us I replaced all of my feeling with anger. I even convinced myself that being 'together' hadn't meant anything either. I journaled so much about it and told myself that if it was just sex then it meant nothing. I even went so far as to be a little (I mean little easy)... 2 of the regrets I mentioned. OK this is the stuff I referred to much earlier in my first long email as not being ready to talk about yet. This is making me feel a little ill. That didn't work and I stopped just as soon as I started (it made me feel ill then too) I also dated a lot of different guys, a lot of my friends always accused me of being to picky, I rejected a lot of potential dates (not my type) and was told I should give guys a chance. I tried that, it sucked. I stopped dating and soon met my SO. We went out one night (don't know if you remember this) with Sean and my mom to Pink Rhino and you were there. I tried hard all night to avoid you, I was still convinced that it was something wrong with me and wondered if you saw me with someone else if you might notice there was something good in me that you might now regret having lost.

Immediately after you broke up with me I had so many plans to win you back. By then you were back with your x. A friend of mine in Overwater lived by Barry Chamber's I used to see your car there and wanted to wait outside for you to come out.

When I heard who you were dating (your wife now) I was in disbelief. I knew her, albeit a little and compared myself to her immediately. I have looked you up on facebook on occasion, and her and your ex...this is where the comparing myself comes in and my anger kept building.

Now I am so painfully aware that I have only suppressed my feelings and never gotten over you.

Now I have so many questions. When did you start recognizing I had met something to you? Why didn't you try to tell me before. Why didn't you ask Sean about me over the last 18 years? Would I have made different choices in my life many, many, many different times had I known (if you even recognized it yet). I am not naive enough to think that even if this had been different between us we would have lasted. I am not an easy woman to be with, my SO had had to make many radical changes to his life to keep up with me (i.e. Australia) Could I have lived in your town? Could I have been with someone who works shifts? I am aware that the grass isn't always greener and I don't regret my life and I have a lot of good in it but if you felt something for me and I had known I WOULD have made different choices and at the very least I may have had closure and not allof these suppressed emotions that are now bubbling up, and only a few weeks before I leave the country for no less than 2 and a half years. Until very recently I was naive enough to believe a persons heart should only belong to one person. I can't believe that now.

Don't feel obligated to reply."

"Kendra

 December 27 at 2:45am

Ah hell...so many typos, I am trying to get this done quick before SO wakes up. (above it is when did you start to recognize I had meant something to you, but you probably figured that out. I am a little concerned that you said you would check in again before you went to bed and I see nothing at nearly 3am. I hope it doesn't mean anything...like your done with all this crap....or wife found out...I think we need to start being really careful....at least till we get over all of the emotional stuff and on to just chit chat. I don't want to cause any problems for you family or mine either."

"Dean

December 27 at 8:01am

I got this. And it is a lot. And none of it is shocking (that should be shocking). I will get to this As soon as I can. Please, get some rest. I did check last night...not this morning :) (yikes 3 AM, I get up for work at 5). I sense some urgency on your part and I promise I will get to this (today). Take care of yourself and your family."

"Kendra

December 27 at 10:26am

a few questions that I have had pop up and missed, on second thought a few may be too personal yet but one I need to know, why your wife? Why was she the one you stayed with and decided to make it work with?"

Between Dean McDonald and You

"Kendra

 December 27 at 11:33am

And do you realize (you probably do) all I have are memories, no photo of us together, no movie ticket stub, etc... just memories, your grad photo and your football photo (my fav) :-( ;-) and no I won't give the football photo back but you can have a copy if you want

((((((how do i reconcile that this is two different threads....the time is askew)))))))))

"Dean 

December 27 at 2:15pm

I had nothing... until facebook. More would never be enough."

"Kendra

December 27 at 2:52pm

I have been waiting for you to ask this but I am running out of time. I have to see you, it may be the last time I ever get the chance. I doubt I will ever move back to Alberta, at best visiting. How? And remember I am running out of time!"

"Dean 

December 27 at 1:54pm

“Immediately after you broke up with me I had so many plans to win you back. By then you were back with your x. A friend of mine in Overwater lived by Barry Chamber's I used to see your car there and wanted to wait outside for you to come out.”

...you should have, I swear I could FEEL you. It was actually Bob Chiconi’s, and he was a D-bag, but I hung around Overwater hoping to "bump" into you. I don't remember PR, I wish you wouldn't have avoided me. I did not know you felt this way. My perception,at the time, your word, I was a blip, probably a mistake in a very beautiful, very young woman's life (low self- esteem?). Concert at convention center, thought it was Soundgarden, you introduced me to your SO, and you looked great and happy. And then I knew it was done. Seriously, I have forgotten how effing broken I was. I got back with my x? (WTF was I thinking there, there is nothing there, haven't talked to her ever since that was over, rejected 2 facebook requests with out a seconds thought). I was in bad place, she knew that, and used it to her advantage. Again, angry at myself for screwing myself out of opportunities be with decent people. I am getting worked up as I write and I'm sure it's not going to make any sense when I read it back.

Try to go through yours line by line, help you make sense of this

“Now I have so many questions. When did you start recognizing I had met something to you? Why didn't you try to tell me before. Why didn't you ask Sean about me over the last 18 years?”

Sean and I have not been close. I really did not think you were interested and I, protecting my ego, did want to look interested in someone who didn't want anything to do with me. If I had talked to Sean at all since he got married, I would have casually inquired about you, when I think of Sean, I think of you. I can't say what event made me realize you meant something to, I think I always thought it. This is freaking me out. I remember being in Overwater, hoping to see you, probably an obsession ( hey why are you running away :)) This is the truth... and maybe I do have regrets.

I don't want to make comparisons between each other's spouse/SO and vice versa. From what I can tell, you did very good (I mean that). Sounds like you have been through some tough times together and are still together. Don't belittle this accomplishment. So many people don't make it under less trying circumstances.

Try to put in perspective; A young man (myself!) has come to the realization that he is not making smart decisions (you). Another young woman has shown interest and I decide to see if am capable of sustaining a relationship with someone who is not f**ked in the head. You did things to move on and I did too (no attitude or cheekiness, it was what it was). If either one of us would have reached out to each other. Without a doubt, we would not be doing this right now. Full closure or you complaining about shift work and me wondering how to pay for a trip to Australia :)

I'm not sick of this crap, haven't been found out. I hope I am helping you (and me). I feel like I have dismissed these upsetting feelings of yours. I have a feeling you are waiting for this and I have lost my privacy. I've been trying to finish for 3 hours. More later"

'Kendra 

December 27 at 2:55pm

Here I go again, tears welling, there is more to say but my privacy is limited too, all I can say is I wish this could be in person. More later as well."

"Dean 

December 27 at 2:55pm

I am getting alot of emotion from you. Hope to hear from you soon, let me know how you are doing?"

"Kendra 

December 27 at 1:56pm

Your still there? Can we figure out a way to meet in the next few days?"